Pope Alice: Bwana Benny defrocks cocks and shocks the flock.

Big Bossman Bwana Benny bewilders Bushmen, baffles Botswana; confounds Cameroon. We no condone condom. Condemn. Like some episode of The Phantom gone wrong Papa Benny XVI, Wicked Western Witchdoctor™, mirrors mass murder by stealth as millions die of AIDS in Africa, and masses de-Mass en masse in the West.

As if the world needed any more proof of how out of touch with reality, science and society the majority of organised religious leaders are, Bwana Benny aka Benedict XVI, an unmarried, celibate cleric, who dictates on sexual matters, drops a steaming heap of evidence on Africa. A Pope Alice Xorporation spokesperson lamented. If only our technology was sufficiently advanced to grant Ben his heartfelt wish and send him back to his beloved 16th century.

The ghost of colonialism, invoked by the sight of a pampered white man visiting Africa ordering the locals about, represents a new low in post-colonial methods whereby you encourage the locals to compromise their future by spreading unhealthy ignorance under the guise of spiritual guidance. Africa is the fastest-growing region for the Roman Catholic Church as it competes with Islam and evangelical churches in promoting the highest levels of lowest thinking and outdated backwardness.

None of this is new for the world’s biggest corporation, which has for millennia been responsible for peddling prejudice and suffering. It’s time for concerned Catholics to ask, Can we impeach a pope? Alas, the answer is an emphatic NO!

Recognized, as the last dictator of Europe Bwana Benny’s first visit to Africa is no Rainbow Tour. Headlines scream (or could), Chief Homophobe-Misogynist and Leader of the Worlds Biggest Paedophile Ring visits Africa pontificating about condoms and AIDS. We no condone condom. Condemn.

Vatican officials dedicated countless hours researching and translating the many names for condoms into Latin, Swahili, the Khoisan click-tongue languages of the Bushman (San, Sho, Basarwa, Kung, or Khwe peoples) and various other African tongues. As Bwana Benny solemnly declared, No French letters. No English raincoats. No rubbermen. No rubber Johnnies. No rubber strait jackets. No cock socks. No love gloves. No rubber magic, his waffle, We have our own magic. It’s called monogamy and abstinence baffles. Benny is going bananas, Alice whirred.

Other nicknames for condoms used by Vatican officials along with the many African variables include, wetsuits, overcoats, bullet-proof vests, Venus shirts, hoodies, penis hats, dick socks, Johnny bags, battle helmets, Willie warmers, Wiener wrappers, flunkies, frangers and the tour guide.

No matter the many names for condoms the World Youth Day chant from Sydney last year reverberates loudly around the world, The Pope is wrong put a condom on.